Notes on relationships

Hey there, 

I really wish I could say that I’m doing okay, and actually mean it every time. But sometimes, like today, it’s not always true. Sometimes you wake up yet you feel so tired, or you call your boyfriend yet you still feel so alone. Sometimes, the tears just won’t stop, and no matter what you say to yourself to feel better, you still feel so helpless. You stand up and try to clean your room to feel better, but ended up sitting down in the middle of it and crying, and staring at the mess. You try to cook something for yourself, just to end up staring at the food you make. 

The two-hour phone conversation that I just had with him, the same arguments over and over again, makes me feel so hopeless. I don’t blame him, because he tried to get me to say what I feel, but I don’t see the point of prolonging this endless conversation. 

I won’t waste your time to try and explain what the arguments were about. Let’s just say that long-distance relationships are really very hard. This takes me back to that night when I walked back home with a friend, who asked me to let him know if anyone is available or open for relationships. To which I respond, “why are you in a hurry to get in a relationship?”. 

“Because I’m lonely”, he answered. I laughed and say, 

“You know, you can still feel lonely even if you’re in a relationship,” and that sentence right now, echoes ever so loudly in the back of my head.

And love, on top of relationships, can be so shitty sometimes. Love forces you to just standby and watch, to make room or space, as your loved ones get through many difficult things on their own as they grow. No matter how much you want to intervene, you know they would not want you to. 

Love is not just giving, but also withholding. No matter how miserable you get as they pour their heart out to you, as you feel how they feel. Sometimes, you couldn’t help but say stupid things, lost your control and hurt them instead. You feel so guilty, because you meant to help yet you say the wrong things over and over again. 

You learn the hard way that it might just be better to not say or do anything, and just be there for them. But how could you, when they are struggling so hard. In which case, love forces you to heel, and let them do their thing. 

Your time and energy, spent in thinking of them and how they are doing. As you juggle with your own life, and your own problems. 

And then you start to wonder if life is always going to be this way, and whether love is always going to there in the dark.

That’s what makes me sad today, and imagine the distance between us, making it a hundred times harder. 

So, I know you want to know how a date feels like, or how fun it’s going to be having a boyfriend/girlfriend, or how a break-up feels like, and I really wish you could have all of those. But I’m warning you right now, that it’s not all there is to it. Just make sure you’re giving your heart to not just anyone, but someone who will make the sad, less sad, or the pain, less hurtful, and who will not give up on you when it gets hard. 

Much love, 

Rifa