Skin

Among the things I say to myself when I'm alone is that, "you will never be good enough". Yes, I admit, I'm not the most positive person alive and I have ways to bring myself down. It's been frustrating for me in terms of building a relationship with someone. Over the years, I've only thought it to be a teenage angst and as such, will go away when things were right.

However, over the last three years, I might think I was wrong to think so.

Once, I wanted to be someone else for the sake of somebody. To think that when you like someone, you'd be able to let go of things that make you, you, and that is a risk. But then that was a mistake too. Because I told myself then, that you will never be able to be someone good enough for him. So the mission was aborted and my heart felt safe and secure again, of course with a long excruciating process of admitting that you can never have that somebody.

Then came along someone, claiming that he wants you for who you are. I was never sure of how his feelings can be real because I can never see what he sees in me. But no matter how much I pushed him away, he kept coming back.

Even now, I still think "you will never be good enough", and why is that? Even for someone who accepted you for who you are? This has been the source of my stress and frustration for a while because I kept thinking that I might not be able to accept anybody until I accept who I am now, even when I think myself as prideful. And this has harmed me, in ways I will not tell you. But living with this negative core that made me who I am has always hindered me from being comfortable in my own skin. I always try to be somebody that I am not, and this has been the last few years of my life.