Death Anniversary

It's been exactly a year. 

So I guess I should write something about it. 

I don't even know what to say other than the feeling doesn't really go away. I can go on living and being the usual bright me, but the feeling of lost and yearning is always there, in the back of your neck. I can remember the day, exactly one year ago, the feeling of losing the only parent you had, like it was only yesterday. 

What did I do to deserve this? 

I'm not saying it as if I did something wrong and God wants to punish me, no. Because with everything that happened, I'm not really seeing myself becoming a better person, that's why I feel like I don't deserve this. With everything that happened, I am supposed to be someone better, I don't want my life to be meaningless, my parents wouldn't like that, would they? 

Anyway, I think I cried too much two days ago, so I didn't have much tears left today. Still, I couldn't help myself to let go a bit this morning upon my parents' grave. 

I'm sorry for writing about this all over again. But it's true, the feeling is still there. I still miss my mom and my dad. I miss our fights and our pep talks. I miss watching late night action movies with my dad. 

Sometimes I wonder what would they say if they see us like this. Am I a disappointment to them? I think I am. 

I'm sorry, mom. Really sorry. 
Happy mother's day and a year death anniversary. 

Rifa