Mindf*cked

There's something that has been bothering me. It makes me really emotional, i could cry at the littlest thing that's bothering me. I had a chemistry test earler today at school, and i couldn't do it even though i had studied  last night. I was crying because i know for sure that my grade is going to be real ugly. But then i realized that's not exactly why i cried. 

The chemistry test was just the trigger. I think, i've been really frustrated with myself. I've been super lazy and ignoring my responsibilities. In my heart, i know i can't do that, i didn't want myself to be a slacker. But i've been losing some motivation for school and stuff, also all i wanted was for time to stop and let me rest for a while. I am not focused.

I've been crying so many times because i've been keeping that anger i have for myself. And whenever i fail at some test or if i feel that i'm not good enough, i would start swearing to myself and mocking myself inaudibly in my own head. That drives me crazy and brings tears to my eyes, and it's really tiring to do that to yourself. I want to change SO BAD, but not good enough to really have the motivation to even do that. I still think that i need some help with this motivation thing, because if i keep doing this, i'm going to be a crybaby because of the anger i keep to myself, and i hate that. I HATE having to cry in front of my friends, it makes me look so weak. The last thing i wanted was to be pitied. 

All this experience in losing my parents, is suppose to be a motivation or some kind, isn't it? But i'm not feeling any motivation right now, i WANT to but i just DON'T. I know it all starts in me. MYSELF. But i need some HELP on HOW to do it. 

Because whenever i fail myself, i'm going to tell this to myself: I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.I HATE MYSELF.

Why can't i be better?

So that's the thing that makes me cry, not just because of a minor chemistry test, i'm not that crybaby. But this is a MAJOR issue i have inside of me. My mind and heart have not been resting because of this issue. I am not in a calm state right now to fix myself. What do i do? I NEED HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP.

I'm so frustrated at MYSELF. I disappointed ME. I let ME down. I KEEP FAILING, FALLING. i'm ANGRY ANGRY and ANGRY but i can't express that ANGER, so i CRY instead. 

rifa

PS: with my grades right now, my chances of being a doctor comes down to near zero.