Life and Loss

It's almost five years since my father died on Sunday, April 13, 2008. In that five years time, i've done a lot of things that i never meant to hurt my mother. I don't know whether she's proud of me or not, but yesterday, Desember 26 2012 around 20.30, i am proud of her because of her fight until the last second of her last breath. 

She lost consciousness at about 16.00 and until her last heartbeat at 20.30. I never know if she knew i was there or not. I was there the whole time. 

The thing about watching someone you love dying, is that you can never deny the hope you have until the last second. You kept telling yourself that she'll be fine, maybe this was just a bump on the road, or everything will be fine in the morning. So i wasn't worried until her lungs gave up, the reality had kicked in by then. I realized that she was really dying.. Slowly her heart gave up too.. But the hope is still there for me. I kept glancing at the machine which showed her heartbeat. I wished for her heart to come back to life but the thin line won't change.

What made me cry was the false hope i kept telling myself. Not only for that night, but the hope i had that she was fine for the last 6 months. That she's going to get  better. There are still times on which i let her down because of it. Because i acted on that false hope that she was fine. 

If i ever had the chance to talk to her for the last time, i'd apologize. I'd not say that i love her because i know that she already knows.