Guilty

Today, readers, has been an exhausting, emotionally twisting, and tiring day. All the mayhem and the failure from my school's event today drained all my energy. Came home with a task at hand, have to, no, need to finish a proposal by tonight for tomorrow. And then there's the reality check.

I am always at fault, guilty, and not perfect all the time, according to me. Tonight, i've been slapped in the face by my neglection.

My mother is tired. Tired of fighting cancer, and tired of my neglection. She refused to drink her medicine.

As a teenager, i blame her, in all truthfulness, for not understanding how i am always tired when i come home from school and have to help her do everything. How she can't understand that when i whine, it's because of how tired i am and that my mind's full of the problems at school. I cannot understand how being a daughter is a 24/7 job for me because of her condition.

As a daughter, i know i am at fault, i know i'm guilty. I know that i'm still trapped in my own world like any other teenager who can be careless and stubborn whenever they want. I know that i'm self-centered. Everything she said slapped me in the face and hurt me, a lot. But she's right.

I realize now, that i can't be like any other teenager anymore. I can't be stubborn, careless, and whine. I need to attend to her more rather than hanging out with my friends. After saying a lot of i'm sorrys, a lot of pleading and crying, my mom still doesn't want to drink her medicine. I had to call my aunt and my uncle in the middle of the night to have them here and get my mom to drink her medicine. Another feeling of guilty to have done that.

Today has been like a soap opera on television. And i'm really exhausted, but i need to get this out, not for anyone but for myself. I'm still crying right now. I'm really ashamed of myself.

For whoever's reading this. For my mom, my aunts, my uncles, my brother, my teachers. For everyone that i've let down. For dad. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry.

I'm really really sorry.