Insecurity

Just this morning, i decided that i want to get into a medical school after graduation. And yes, this has something to do with Nisa’s visit yesterday afternoon. She got into a medical school at Bandung, and i am so proud of her, of my cousin. She told many stories and how insteresting it is learning medical cases.

This decision came from a thinking process. Along the process i’ve figured out why i was so doubtful in getting into medical school.

Ever since i was little, i never got used to praises or affection. My mom never praises me for my grades, my dad, well he doesn’t really pay attention to what i do at school, he just loved me. Until now, i have only gotten a handful of praises from my mom. I don’t have anyone to tell me i’m pretty, smart, or to just let me know how proud everyone is for having me. My mom is not a really expressive person, she doesn’t show how much she’s proud of me, or how much she loves me. And now that i think about it, i think since my 5th Birthday, no one ever bought me a cake for my birthday let alone a present. The only ones who do that are my friends. Which is why i’m so grateful of them.

Because of that whole situation, i was raised with insecurities. I was never sure of my  own capability. I always wonder, can i be the best? Can i make them proud? Can i do that? Can i be one of the few hundreds who will get a place in medical school?

 I don’t blame any of my parents, i just feel sad sometimes. Can they realize someday that i am a reflection of how they raised me, of who they are?